an open letter to the man who murdered my mommy

i can’t say exactly why this is coming up for me at this moment in time considering she will have been gone for 31 years this coming december. i can say, though, that not one day goes by when i don’t think of her. not one single day.

alma rosa

they never caught the man who murdered my mommy. yes, i say man as an absolute assumption. and yes, i say mommy because at the age of 5, i hadn’t grown up enough to call her anything else. so to me, that man took away the only mommy i was ever going to have in this life.

i’ve never had the chance to say these words to him face to face. and i don’t know if i’d actually waste even one breath on him if he were right in front of me. but if i did have that chance and some breath to spare, here is what i would say:

it doesn’t matter why you decided to murder my mommy that cold night in december all those years ago. maybe it was because you wanted her and couldn’t have her. maybe it was because you wanted the last word. maybe it was because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV that night.

what i am sure of, however, is the following:

you are a coward.

it doesn’t matter that you still walk the streets as a free man, i still believe your soul (if you even have one) is surely a prisoner to the act of violence you so selfishly carried out that night.

you are a sick and very sad man.

it doesn’t matter that i’m 35 years old, i still think of her everyday and wish so badly for one more hug.

you are a murderer.

it doesn’t matter that i know she’s gone, i still hope against all hope that she’ll come walking through the door again. i looked over my shoulder on my brother’s wedding day, on the day i graduated from college, and on the day my son came into this world. i looked over my shoulder hoping this was all one very bad dream and that she would be there — smiling like any mommy would smile on days when she was happy, proud, and filled with joy.

you are a sorry excuse for a human being.

it doesn’t matter that you got away with such an outrageous act, i still cry thinking that my younger brother has no memories of who he simply calls “mom.”

you are a destroyer of families.

it doesn’t matter that you didn’t care she had children, i still have a child to raise on my own and have no mommy to call to ask for guidance.

you are a monster.

it doesn’t matter that you get to wake up with a smile on christmas morning, i still think of my mommy buried in that cemetery in defiance, ohio.

you are a hitman of the worst kind.

it doesn’t matter if you have grandchildren of your own, i still long for my mommy to hold my son even once.

acenxion russell

you are a thief.

it doesn’t matter that you kept your pride, i still long for the childhood that was ended way too early by the loss of the woman who was supposed to be my best friend for years to come.

i wonder if you ever think of her. i wonder if you have any idea of the pain you caused those who still mourn her. i wonder how you live with yourself from day to day.

i wonder if you bothered to look her in the eye before you took her life of only 29 years away that night.

i’ll never know why you did what you did, but before you get bored on a random weeknight because there’s nothing on TV, get your pathetic ass a subscription to cable and a DVR. a lot of tears will be saved right along with your re-runs of law and order.

know that you still can’t have her.

and know that her spirit lives on through me, through my brothers, through my son — so you see it’s she, not you, who walks away with the very last word.

33 Responses to an open letter to the man who murdered my mommy

  1. D-

    I remember when you originally told me this and how I didn’t know what to say. This was beautifully written. He is a coward and a bastard to do such injustice to beautiful people. I hope I never have to empathize, but my heart was re-broken when I read this and know that though it’s been a long time since we’ve spoken, I only feel joy and Love when I see your posts…keep doing what you are doing right now and know that your mommy is looking down with pride xoxoxo

  2. That was a really heart-wrenching letter. I’m sorry for your loss, and I hope that someday this murderer meets a fate befit of all the crimes he committed.

  3. Beautifully written….just like your mommy! I believe she was there watching those times that you mentioned and that she sees the beautiful children that she left behind and she smiles!! Hugs to you!

  4. You actually wouldn’t believe how often I have thought of you and your mama and this post since you posted it. Love to you today.

  5. I have known for years and have lived in fear because I was very verbal with this family regarding Steve Noffsinger I was most appalled by knowing the murder weapon used A wooden meat club. From dinner bell which disappeared from Steve’s car – an item that had always been there prior to your moms murder . I did not know your mom and did not even know you existed till now. . I am so proud of you for your strength and courage. Steve’s siblings went to court today before grand jury. They know he did this and did nothing! Steve victimized other women over the years with sick deranged things. His last wife awoke to a gun held to her head . And yes, the family knew but did nothing. God bless you and your brothers. My heart goes out to you and I worry about Ryan but do know he is a grown man now. 31 years wow. I even thought he got away with murder. Shame on paulding police dept for taking so many years to give your mama some justice. It was in front of them all along and nobody did anything to put Steve behind bars where he belongs.

  6. Would really like to know how you are related to this family.If you knew of this so many years ago, why didn’t you step forward. Nothing worse than someone knowing the truth and not stepping forward.

  7. Debbie i just read this today and i cried thru it all- i still miss her too- she always was like we were bf even if we didnt see each other very often- she had such a short life and such a short time to be your mommy- i am sure she has angels watching over you kids and if you think you feel a hug from her- it is possible- anything can be possible if we believe. God bless you all much love, bobbie jo

  8. Beautifully written from within. So sorry for the unnecessary loss you and David suffered. My you find comfort from this monster’s arrest.

  9. I have no idea what you are going through, I can only imagine. I do know if I was your mother if be proud of you, and the best part: she really does get the last word. Many blessings and I hope soon this closes a chapter in your life and opens a new and brighter one!
    God bless

  10. I was one of your Mothers best friends in grade school and high school. She was such a warm,beautiful person.Naturally after school we lost contact but once I visited with her when she lived in a trailer behind what was Wichmans Florist shop.She was married to Steve at that time.Just know that She sees you everyday and smiles at your accomplishmenrts .I sincerely hope that justice comes to you and your family..

  11. This was a beautiful and moving letter to your mom’s killer… Your mom sounds like such a beautiful soul and wonderful mother to have, I’m so sad for you and your brothers that you lost her so very early in life. Know that now, even in Norway people know how wonderful a mother you had and what horrible crime that was committed towards her and your family! It is so difficult to understand how any human being can take the life of another person, let alone the mother of three small children… The ep. of Cold Justice was aired here tonight. That is why I had to go search to see how the trial went. I am SO sorry that Steve got acquitted and that you are not able to go to bed each night knowing that he is behind bars where he belongs… When the show ended, I was afraid that just that might be the case, that they did not have enough to get him a long sentence for murder. I mean, I think we all know who killed your mother, but after all, clear evidence must be present, and sadly there were no real evidence, just circumstantial evidence (here we don’t even use the word “evidence” for that, we have an entirely different word for it, since it doesn’t really prove anything). I wish more evidence had turned up, this was a case where e.g. DNA would have made such a difference… I can’t imagine how it must have felt for you when the trial ended, after you must have thought that finally your mom would get justice… I can only say that I’m so sorry that the trial ended like it did, but I guess that won’t change anything. But, at least know that millions of millions know what happened and you sure have a lot of people caring and thinking of you guys, even if we’re far away and do not even know you and never met your mother… Cyber-hugs to you!

  12. While I’ve never met you or your family, my heart breaks for the loss you have suffered at the hands of evil. I know this to be true, God has a plan to not only care for you, but to prosper you in spite of losing your mother.

    Vengeance belongs to the Lord, and while justice may not come on this earth, it will come by the hand of God in His time. And I know that his justice and his timing will be perfect. May that knowledge bring some peace and healing to your heart. Much love from Texas.

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