feeling empty on the inside and ugly on the outside — showing up anyway

today is one of those days when there’s not a whole lot that is keeping me from bursting into tears.

i feel empty on the inside.

i feel ugly on the outside.

so i go ahead and i burst.

i’ve tried to get into the habit of posting every tuesday and because i feel, well, shitty today, i wasn’t going to post anything. but then i thought of what i encourage everyone else to do: go ahead and show up.

i don’t tell you that you need to be happy or to even pull yourself together, i just encourage you to show up.

so that’s what i’m doing. walkin’ the walk and showing up. (holding my breath at the same time.)

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JZOuXbYSZVI&w=560&h=315]

i keep hoping that the next day will be better. and it often is. i keep hoping that i’m not broken inside. and i’m sure that i’m not.

my husband (oh how i love him so) reminds me that this isn’t me and that i didn’t choose to feel this way. so i sit with that thought and my beat the blues box, and write this short message to you.

it’s okay if you don’t feel freakin’ awesome today. or tomorrow. you will again. just like i will, too. i promise.

until then, i’ll do my best to smile and laugh. i’ll eat chocolate. and i’ll probably take my husband up on the offer to go to the bookstore to get a new moleskin since that’s what my doc put on the prescription pad — 1 new moleskin. i think they have magical healing powers, those moleskins. no? oh well, i’m gonna roll with it anyway. 😉

29 Responses to feeling empty on the inside and ugly on the outside — showing up anyway

  1. Oh Woz. I hear you loud and clear. Thanks for posting this because I feel the same today. I don’t even want to be in my own skin right now. Big love to you, my friend.

    • i think it’s going around. i’m totally serious. it seems like a lot of people are out of sorts in a BIG way right now. and it’s not mercury this time!

  2. Woz ((((hugs))))
    I am in such awe of you and your strength and courage to show up in a moment when most of us, especially me would be hiding under the covers! You have just taught me such an important and blessed lesson! I have such the tendency to only show myself as happy, totally afraid to let others see my vulnerable or sad moments of which I have many. Thank you for showing up and showing me that we are all humans and we all have bad days and it’s okay! I hope you are feeling better!


    • you are so very sweet, cricket. and if i helped anyone see that it’s okay to show up no matter how they are feeling, well, then this was totally worth writing/filming. *hugs*

  3. Dear Woz,

    Yea!  I got the book you sent me today!  It looks good, a very good place to start from, and I’ll probably start reading it tonight.

    Very brave post today Woz.  I’m having a sunny ‘up’ day today but have many days when I struggle with my inherited chronic ‘mild’ (so they say) depression, that I didn’t choose either.  I love your ‘Beat the Blues Box’ and am already thinking about what I want to put in mine.

    Big hugz, Laurissa


  4. You are beautiful inside & out!!! I meant what I tweeted to you today. I’m so proud of you for being honest & authentic & for doing a vlog. You are incredible & amazing & even though you don’t feel like you right now, you will. I get it. I truly understand. I love you. I think a moleskin has incredible healing powers, so I hope you did get one.

    • thanks so much, danielle! it’s so funny how we’ve never even met IRL and i feel like you are one of my dearest friends. <3 long live the power of the moleskin!

  5. (((((((((((((((loving hugs)))))))))))))))))) I hope that you can find something that helps you feel more like you more often. You’re so brave in posting this. I’m in awe. Sending you love.

  6. Woz, your hubby and your doctor are as wise as you are. Personally, for me, any new empty notebook would do a lot for my moods, so yeah, a new moleskine sounds just right! And don’t you just love how nobody here wrote the old “hope you feel better soon” – days like these need to be lived too sometimes.

    • thank you rockin ducky! i haven’t gone to get that moleskin yet but hopefully i will today — and some hot apple cider. i love this time of year!

  7. Oh, I know EXACTLY how you feel! I suffered from PPD for 2 years after my last baby came. The hormones were insane and really messed me up. We all have good days and bad! Going for a run or just going to bed early seemed to help me. Sometimes a sad movie will help also…because I’m focusing on something else sad and my sadness just didn’t matter. I love you big bunches and am hugging you right now!

    • thanks, rach. <3 the ppd is a wicked thing and very, very real. i need to get back into walking like i had been because that seemed to help a lot — and a decent bedtime couldn't hurt either. it's hard because that's when russ and i get alone time and we tend to stay up later for it. big hugs right back!

  8. Bowing (in a Namaste way, ya know?)! Oh Woz, I was tearing up *before* I started the video (thnx to my own personal Square-Peg mix of sensitivity/empathy/intuition), and then…when I watched and listened, the tears were pouring down my face (which was GOOD – sometimes I can feel a cry inside me, but it’ll get stuck and not come out).

    You share – and show (here on your blog) the most gorgeous mix of light and dark (which we all ARE, but – well, you know, it seems like that’s not the “thing” in the culture of today – and so few people seem to realize that it’s universal – and important, to express/admit/live in/be aware of BOTH up and down, light and dark). Thank you so much!! I got such a: “me too! It’s not just me!” feeling when I watched your video – wow! Went straight to my heart.

    As for showing up – what a lesson (which I sorely needed!). I haven’t been showing up – and didn’t even realize it. Thank you for ALL of this!!

    And – ahem, can I please disagree with you (in a humble way)?? You rocked beauty here – in a REAL way! And your empty is fuller than a lot of folks-es’ overflow. Just sayin’

    • i love you and your square pegness! it always makes me want to call you peggy. LOL thank you for all the kind words, hon. it makes me feel less crazy inside. thank you, thank you. bowing right back.

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